My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
