the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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