I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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