I intend to get homeless drunk
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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