Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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