How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
