I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
