Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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