Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
