just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
a search helicopter?!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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