Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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