You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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