the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
