alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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