I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
