nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
