True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
