im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
