If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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