i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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