I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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