I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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