I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am midnight drunk by noon
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
