I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
