Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
