You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize