I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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