He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
