I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
