I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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