Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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