I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
