Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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