Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
