Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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