i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
