I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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