i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
it glows. i had to have it.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
