She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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