so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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