Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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