after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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