What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize