happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
