haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
