i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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