just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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