i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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