Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
