Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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