Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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