I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Are we still banned from the library?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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