You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
