never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm like, not good at living.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
